There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
