Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
