this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
