Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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