11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
