using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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