I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
