so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
