we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
