it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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