im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
