My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
