OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I checked into jail on foursquare
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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