he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
