Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
