i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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