I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
