i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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