We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
