Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
