Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
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hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
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We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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