No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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