Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
