sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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