I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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