dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
