i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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