i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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