mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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