That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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