I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
