the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
True strength comes from lack of pants
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
