I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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