You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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