she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
