I want to have your abortion
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
