A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
