ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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