just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
