Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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