Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
