Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
