if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
