I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
