Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
