I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
