My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
