There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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