Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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