you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Randomize
