Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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