I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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