and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
