my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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