I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
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They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
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Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.