even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.