I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.