I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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