Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
