Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
